78

Happy Young Age, Daddy.

This is my dad. He turned 78 the other day. He wasn’t quite sure how old he was, so I told him. 78 like an old record. If I tell you about all his injuries you’ll think this is a story with one of those unreliable narrators. So I’ll only tell you a few.
He’s had 7 broken legs, a fractured skull, broken bones in his back and neck, and lost an eye. Last year he built a house for someone cos they needed some help.
He lives alone on 1,000 acres of land with no electricity, and drinks the water he collects out of the same dam his horses drink from.
Recently a bloke who owed him money “paid” him with a chainsaw instead of cash because the bloke had no money. The chainsaw turned out to be useless, a cracked block in the engine. Worthless.
So on my dad’s 78th birthday, he went into the town for some groceries, and the bloke was there. So my old man walks over and tells this bloke he’s not happy, and he’ll be expecting the money, and he can have his worthless chainsaw back. Now, this bloke’s about 50. And he calls my old man a prick, which is not very nice for one thing, and not very fair for another. Are you worried yet ?
My dear old dad had a triple bypass about 12 years ago, and his good eye’s not what it was, and he gets upset when people do the wrong thing. So at this point my old man…
Hey, I know. This is where I write tune in next week, for the next exciting instalment of….
Oh, alright then, my poor defenseless 78 year old dad punches the bloke out. One punch. Goodnight. Cranky old bugger. But that bloke should have had more sense. I can look after myself a bit, but I wouldn’t be silly enough to piss him off.
So now he’s been charged with creating a public nuisance or some such shit, which they used to call affray, and basically means fighting in the street.
Well, you know what… he was already my hero, but now I know what I wanna do before I grow up. On my 78th birthday, I’m gonna go looking for some idiot who should know better than to pick on old men, and I’m gonna keep up a fine family tradition, and get myself arrested. What do you wanna do to celebrate your 78th birthday ?

choosing what to be

I guess not everyone can have a Big Life, be a main character. I guess some people just don’t want to live that much trouble.
Is a main character’s pain worth it ? Which character have you been up to now ? Which character are you going to be ? And why do I always leave a space before a question mark ?

Strange Predilection

Sometimes I really do wonder what the hell’s wrong with Ms iSkirt.
So, it’s February 14, and there are wonderful romantic gestures happening all over, and I gotta tell you, I fucking hate that shit.
I am currently NOT RANTING about the stupidity of it. Sometimes I fucking amaze me, the self control I have. Instead of ranting I’m just going to let it eat away at my obsessive compulsive self. It’s a nicer way to suffer than some. Anywaze… Ms iSkirt…
We met on the internet. She was looking for, well, I’m not sure exactly what her profile said, except for “hopefully not allergic to cats.” She added that “kind to birds” thing in after we’d started seeing each other, on account of me throwing a stick or something at an annoying seagull while we were trying to eat lunch, so I reckon it was never part of the contract. Is there a contract ?
Imagine if everyone had to live up to what they wrote on their dating site profile ?
Most people say a whole lot of stuff about themselves, but really it says who they want to be, not who they are. At least it makes that clear for them. I said nothing about me really. I just used it for a rant. If anyone reminds me to, I’ll post the rant here, cos it’s no longer available on the dating site on account of Ms iSkirt thinking dating site profiles should be made unavailable once people are in a relationship. Sounds fair enough.
People also have huge long lists of stuff about the type of person they’re looking for. At least they know what they think they want. All I wrote in that section was “Hot, cool, and way too good for me.”
And along came Ms iSkirt, and I got everything I asked for.
That should have been the end of this post, cos it’s about as Happy Valenteenies Day as I’m ever likely to get. But, dammit, I’m not really sane, so I can’t just leave it can I ? Thing is, well, let’s start with he photo above.
Averil Dean and Girl in the Hat, your recent truth or dare exercise led to that. Wonderful blog posts. Anyone that reads this that didn’t see them, you really must go there and read them. Well, must is a strong word. Miss out on the most entertaining posts/comments ever if you like. I’d link to them, but I’m not James Fucking Patterson or something, here to make your reading experience easy. Work for it. Read Howard Jacobson too while you’re in a working at it mood, he is A Great Writer. Back on topic would be good Harry.
This rambling is all a good example of what I’m trying to say.
What the hell is wrong with Ms iSkirt ? Why did she choose me ? I’m a mess of mood swings that can’t be cleaned up. A bipolar freak who can’t tolerate medication. I have constant pain too, which makes me a Very Fucking Cheery Soul Indeed. I rant and rave about things I can’t change in the world, and let them bring me down, down, down until the shit on the ground looks like mountains. I also recently discovered I’m a bit loose with the truth. That surprised me. Not in the good way. I say inappropriate things, have few social skills, my hygiene could be a little more consistent too. “Have you had a shower lately?” “Umm. Yeah. On, umm, the other day. I think.”
There’s a lot of other shitty stuff about me too, but this is too long already, and I think little enough of me today without making it worse.
Thing is, I’m pretty sure all the things I just said I am weren’t on Ms iSkirt’s What I’m Looking For In A Partner List. So what the hell is wrong with Ms iSkirt that she puts up with me ?
Actually, that’s a crook question to end with, someone might answer it. So, ummm…
What’s one Great thing and one Ungreat thing you could truthfully put on a dating site profile (if you were single of course) ?

One more thing.
Once I wrote “Hot, cool, and way too good for me.”
And along came Ms iSkirt, and I got everything I asked for.